How I Should be Depicted in a Movie
New, Unpublished
So far, no one has offered to make a movie about my life. That’s why it seems like a good time to offer some suggestions about what should be in the movie:
If you show me as a newborn baby, someone should say, “Truly, this is a special child.” Then we see that the person saying it is Abraham Lincoln.
As a child, have me have extraordinary musical abilities, like being able to blow on a harmonica for hours at a time.
To show passage of time, show me petting my dog, then petting the dog’s skeleton.
Have the movie be in black-and-white until I meet my first girlfriend, then it magically changes to color. But after I spend more and more time with her, it gradually changes back to black-and-white.
If you put my so-called friend Don in the film, every time we see him he is being chased by a swarm of yellow jackets.
Leave out “the prison years.”
A good thing to have in the movie would be to show me look at a newspaper and be shocked by the date, because that’s what I do every day.
Show me discussing ideas with Einstein, but he doesn’t seem to understand what I’m talking about.
If I am in a crowd scene, have an arrow pointing to me.
I should never be shown begging for something, except maybe candy. And by the end of the movie I should get the candy.
A funny comedy gag would have me walking down a sidewalk and then slipping on a banana peel. Then show me in the hospital with a broken leg, and in the bed next to me is the banana peel. Maybe the banana peel has a bandage, to make it funnier.
Never show me afraid of a bug, unless the bugmakes a weird clicking noise that anyone would be afraid of.
If you depict me doing my funny cowboy dance, don’t show it in slow motion, because then people can figure out how it’s done.
Use Claymation whenever possible.
If the movie is made after my death, no matter how I died, show that I died saving a baby.
The movie should be at least three hours long. Otherwise you are just scratching the surface of me.