Our Surrender

Sooner or later, our country will be conquered by another country.  It has happened to every country in history, and eventually it will happen to us.  That is why we should be thinking now about the terms of our surrender.

WHEN TO SURRENDER
The best time to surrender is going to be right away, just after the start of hostilities.  Maybe even before.  This is when we’re going to get the best surrender terms.  The enemy will be saying, “Wow, these guys are O.K.  Let’s go easy on them.”

THE VIOLATION OF OUR WOMEN
We should probably try to resist signing a surrender document that permits the violation of our women or our farm animals.  However, most American men own at least one inflatable sex doll. As a concession, we could allow the violation of our sex dolls.  If they insist on violating our women, maybe we could put a limit on the number of violations — say, ten.

BOOT-LICKING
This may be required.  Some people consider boot-licking to be degrading.  But ask yourself: who is more humiliated, the boot-licker or the person who is so insecure that he needs his boots licked?

(Tip: prior to licking, secretly sprinkle a little sugar on boot.)

LOSING OUR RELIGION
Our conquerors are probably going to insist that we give up our religions.  That may sound harsh, but let’s be honest: How many of us really believe in God?

EXECUTIONS
Post-surrender, there are going to be executions.  Even though we surrendered right away, they’re going to want to execute some of us.  It’s their way, and we have to accept that.

But maybe we could get a clause in the treaty that the victim gets some say in his death.  Say he’s been sentenced to be eaten alive by ants?  Why not let him choose the ants?

If he is to be impaled on a stake, maybe he could say that the stake isn’t sharp enough, and request a re-sharpening.

RESISTANCE
The surrender document will probably state that no resistance will be tolerated.  And why should it?  They won!

Some “macho types” are going to want to resist our oppressors.  But isn’t the best way to resist to over-comply with their demands?  We could even suggest some new ways they could repress us.  They would say, “That’s nice of you, but we were actually thinking of reducing some of the oppression.”  See how that works?

In time, a charismatic rebel leader may emerge from amongst us, and we will need to report him to the authorities, as required.

GOLD
Our conquerors are, of course, going to want our gold.  But maybe if we deliver the gold, quickly and totally, they will let us keep our frankincense and myrrh.

GIANT STATUE
They may order us to build a gigantic stone stature of their leader.  But here’s the trick: we make the statue’s head removable.  That way, when we’re conquered again by another group, all we have to do is replace the head.

THE SURRENDER CEREMONY
At the surrender ceremony, one of our generals should sign.  But he shouldn’t wear a regular uniform.  It should be a joke uniform, with a comically-oversized cap and way too many medals.  When he struts up to sign, maybe a few of the medals fall off.  This is going to get big laughs from the enemy and will maybe get them to drop one or two of the harsher surrender terms.