How I Should be Depicted in the Movies

Show me being born in a log cabin, but a really, really fancy log cabin.

As a child, show me with unusual musical abilities, able to blow on a harmonica for hours at a time.

Show my father trying to get me to shoot a deer, but I can’t do it. Then show me shooting a deer-crossing sign, from the car, which wins back his love.

To show passage of time, show me as a boy petting my dog, then show me as an adult petting a dog skeleton.

Have the movie be in black-and-white until I meet my first girlfriend, then it magically changes to color. But after I spend more and more time with her, it gradually changes back to black-and-white.

The actor who plays me should have an uncanny resemblance to the actual me, even if he’s a big stupid jerk. The actor should be able to show my sympathetic nature. If he can’t, he should be fired and never allowed to work again.

A good thing to have in the movie would be to show me look at a newspaper and be shocked by the date, because that’s what I do every day.

If I am in a crowd scene, have an arrow pointing to me.

Never show me afraid of a bug, unless the bug makes a weird clicking noise that anyone would be afraid of.

I should never be shown begging for something, except maybe candy. And by the end of the movie I should get the candy.

Show me being nice to every person, except for my so-called friend Don, or anyone “Don-like.”

Show an old lady about to slip on a banana peel. From out of nowhere I tackle the old lady before she can slip on it. (Don’t show her hitting me with her cane.)

At some point in the movie show me getting out a ladder and changing a lightbulb, with no problems.

In every scene, show me eating popcorn, to get the popcorn industry to finance the movie.

Show me linking arms with people, even if they don’t want to link arms.

Show me discussing ideas with Einstein, but he doesn’t seem to understand what I’m talking about. Finally, I give up and walk away, shaking my head.

Have me able to laugh at myself, but mostly at others.

If the movie is made after I die, no matter how I died, show that I died trying to save a baby. At my funeral, the preacher says, “He was loved by people of all stripes, and even zebras.”

The movie should be at least three hours long. Otherwise, you are just scratching the surface of me.